I wish they made helmets for livers.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I am one with the molecules
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
