I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just invented taco cereal.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
