Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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