Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
