Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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