R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
