Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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