Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
