before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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