.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
