just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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