You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
