Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
