Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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