When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
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