sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
