Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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