My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
