I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
