I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
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I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
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We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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