This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
