you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
