I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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