So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Shame is for Republicans.
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