It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Randomize
