She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Randomize
