Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
