Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
