Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
