i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
