she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
