I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
