I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
