every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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