Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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