The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
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I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
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Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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