She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
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