In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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