I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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