Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
