Well apparently he's into motor boating.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
