The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
