Screwed.edu
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
