the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
