I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
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