my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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