you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Randomize
