My first STD was from a foam party
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Randomize
