I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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