I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
