the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
