I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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