I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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