Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Randomize
