I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
