It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Randomize
